Shortly after starting my business in 2016, I noticed I started describing myself as a “two-headed thing” when people asked me what I did for work. Cute, right? Not cute...and actually quite painful.
Fall of 2019, I remember sitting with my friend Ali at her business (which emerged from the ether on an Everme coaching call) saying to her “I feel like one part of me is all buttoned up and corporate and another part of me just wants to be a hippie and break free”.
Sometimes words need to come out of our mouths for them to really wake us up. I suddenly felt immense discomfort around who I was. I didn’t like to feel spliced. I wanted to be whole. I decided to do something about it.
One thing I didn’t know about this new journey is how much has to be shed before new growth can occur. If I wanted to embody this “hippie and break free” energy, that buttoned up, the corporate side of me would need to...well… die.
I was ready to take on the world in my *new way* when suddenly our world shut down. Forced inside and inward, I had to experience this transformation in quarantine.
Faced with a lot of time on my hands and nowhere to go, I did what I love to do: I took time to reflect on my life. Who was I? Who did I really want to be? How do I get closer to the version of me who is fully free?
2020 definitely didn’t expedite this process. It wasn’t until the end of the year where I felt like progress was being made at all (probably because I spent the first part of the year trying to not get COVID and wondering WTF was going on in the world?!).
I remember when I finally bought my first Tarot deck (a small act but a huge step in my identity transformation). I would consistently pull a card called “The Devil”. I know what you’re thinking: SCARY! I know why you might think that but to me, it was the biggest blessing. This card asks us: “Do you want to be right or do you want to be free?” If we want to be free, we have to release what makes us “right”. Who I should be. Who I’ve been. Who other people want me to be. It all had to go.
2020 may have happened “low and slow” but 2021 has been like roasting in the oven on BROIL.
The more I step forward intuitively, the more I honor my highest self, the more I honor my heart, the more I grow. I am so far from the “old me” at this point in time that I barely even recognize her. I’m far enough from her that I can actually go back and nurture her, rather than feel still connected to her.
Do you know how wild it is to transform in this way? Transforming at the speed of spirit is not for the faint of heart. Every day an old pattern (thought, habit, identity) goes away and I step further into my fully realized self.
I wrote a haiku poem during this transformation that maybe helps explain this better than I can right now:
Detox
How can a new face
That looks nothing like me
Feel most like me?
I felt like this was important to share at this point in time because I get the sense that we all want this type of alignment in our life. We want ourselves back. We want to be FULL. We want to be AUTHENTIC.
I recently had a Human Design Consultation Call in which the woman across the screen from me shared she hadn’t been in her element for 5 years. 5 years is too long to not be who we are meant to be. Any time, really, is too long to not be who we are meant to be. I don’t want that for me and I don’t want that for you.
So… what can we do about this? I can’t prescribe this journey for all of you but I can recommend a few ways to get started:
Identify your life values and start honoring them with deep reverence. Life values aren’t just willy-nilly words we throw around. They are our foundation and our guideposts.
Spend time in reflection around your identity. This blog post has some prompts for you to use.
Get to know your intuition and work on self-trust. Your intuition is already the version of you that you want to be. It knows how to get you back to yourself. You just need to know how your intuition speaks to you and how to trust yourself.
I can’t wait to meet the REAL you!
Love,
Kelsey